I Am an Influencer of World Opinion

So I haven’t been doing this very long, but I’ve noticed something.  Something wonderful.  I have, literally, DOZENS of readers from around the world following my every, or every other, entry.  Take a look at at this, loyal minions, a screen capture of the geographic view map from my stats page:

You’ve probably noticed, with understandable awe, that my influence now spans upwards of several non-national borders, including such distant locations as remote and exotic as—wait for it—ALASKA.  By now you have reached the same obvious, humble conclusion as I have: THE PALINS ARE READING MY BLOG ENTRIES.  Potentially both of them!  (Blog entries that is.  Extensive research has uncovered that there are, in fact, more than two currently known Palins; more are discovered every day!)

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that so early would I have influence over such recognizable and beloved reality TV personalities!  And this, as we all know, is but a gateway to a Jesuslike power to shape history for millennia to come.  Well, I for one am not going to let this momentum slip.  I cannot yet assume that Sarah herself is following me—it could just be Todd, which is a great start, but... oh who am I kidding?  That's a terrible start.  Not enough by half.  Meh!  But still, it IS a start.  Oh yes, it is.

And so now is the time to leap into action.  NOW is the time to insert imagery and metatags to ensnare Sarah herself (AKA the Angel of Anchorage, AKA Foxy McFairbanks, AKA Yukon Yummy, AKA Bridge to Nowhere (But My Pants!), AKA Glacier GILF, AKA You Can Lay THIS Pipeline!, AKA ok I think you get it).  If I am successful, she will glide, unknowing, into my clever plot to steer American opinion!  And so follow images of rare, huntable Alaskan wildlife that no well-armed beastslayer could help but stalk and mount proudly on a gilded plaque.  And once she is here and in my clutches, my evil totally patriotic plan will be realized.... BEHOLD, and wonder!!

Common Name:  Northern Oreo Caribou

Scientific Name:  Doofus incredibus

Habitat:  Underfoot

Strengths:  Snow camouflage; pathetic staring; speed; "Shake"

Weaknesses:  Any food and/or nonfood items

Conclusion:  Always nearby, not much challenge. Also endangered. Do not kill.

Common Name:  Denali Bighorn Ram

Scientific Name:  Yougottabe kiddingus

Habitat:  Traffic jams; anger management seminars (attendee)

Strengths:  Leaping; cavorting; strategy gaming; oratory

Weaknesses:  Being hunted, killed, and eaten or mounted on gilded plaques.  Or both.

Conclusion:  Wily and elusive, not to mention slightly disturbing.  Do not get too close.  Do not kill.  (Please.)

Common Name:  Seward Devilbat

Scientific Name:  Ohmigosh thatsocute

Habitat:  Sunny spots; christmas trees; not-yet-haircovered furniture or clothing; that closet shelf which was thought to be unreachable, and yet, here we are

Strengths:  Curtain annihilation; desperate pawing at windows because that damn squirrel is out there taunting me again.  Look at him... hiding acorns and not being eaten.  By me.  Bastard.

Weaknesses:  Batnip

Conclusion:  Nine lives and tiny, not worth the ammo expenditure.  Do not kill.

Common Name:  Santa Claus

Scientific Name:  Homo sapiens whogivesstufftous

Habitat:  North poles

Strengths:  Jolly; army of elf denizens; knows when you are sleeping/awake, or have been bad/good; breaking and entering

Weaknesses:  Mantle cookies; kryptonite; foot-tickling; being caught kissing mommy underneath the mistletoe last night (awwwk-waaaard!)

Conclusion:  UNKILLABLE.  And handsome.  UNKILLABLY handsome.

So there we are.  They're out there for avid hunters and the Outdoor Sporting Network to latch onto and popularize, which means they'll be known in Alaska within 2 - 3 seasons!  PATIENCE, little one, patience!  Our day is coming......

Actually not sure who I was talking to there.