IN THE BEGINNING...

I should caveat this from the start--this blog (since all the kids have one nowadays) is going to be uncensored.  I do not set out to offend or disappoint anyone, but lately I feel the need to express myself (read: drool out my unedited thoughts which are not crystallized or final in any form) without the constraint of worrying about external judgment.  Since I have long since realized I will never seek political office (a truly honest mind cannot win a bipartisan election, duh) this is less of a material hindrance to me.  However, I feel this brief caveat is warranted to warn off anyone who deludes themselves about some idealized vision of me as belonging to a particular moral subset, ethical persuasion, intellectual culture, religious tendency, literary guild, Colbert Nation, subnet mask, or whatever.

You in the back, go ahead…  Why do I feel this need, you ask?  Excellent question.  Frankly, who cares?  It’s a blog, not freaking The Apology of Socrates.  Geez people, settle down.

What I end up putting in here, infrequent as it is likely to be, will be utterly meandering, non-coalesced musings that represent my thoughts on life in general, or a topic in particular, at a specific point in time, such as time exists as we perceive it.  They could change.  Or maybe not.  There will probably be occasional swears, as appropriate or amusing.  Or maybe, if I’m lucky, a flash of insight that, if I were hit by a bus in the morning, I’ll be glad I left behind somewhere other than buried in my congested, multidirectional, ADD-addled, never-quite-in-one-place

Oooh, I want minty-chocolate-chip ice cream! Humans are a largely flawed and therefore frighteningly efficient evolution. I wonder if the furnace guy will call in the morning? God I want to build a deck for some reason. Mmm, whisky. Blue is way prettier than orange--how curious that they’re considered aesthetically complimentary! (Note: delve further into this oddity.) Is that spider on the wall aware I’m going to kill him? Does that mean he’ll try to kill me first? Better move fast. I hope that CERN neutrino did travel faster than light, that’ll open a whole new reality for readers of sci-fi who have a problem suspending disbelief. I want to say something no human has ever said before: “What ho, that craptastic centipede stole my carnivorously crapulent testicles!” YES, that’ll do it… Where are my keys and was I talking about something else?

brain.

If nothing else, maybe some curious anthropologist can one day deconstruct me as part of a study of today's detached, postmodern, pre-evolved, postconformist countercultural study some years in the future.  If I’m incredibly lucky, or everyone else is unlucky, or both, maybe I’ll even get my own display in the Natural History Museum of the Future (or, as they’ll call it then, Natural History Museum of the Current).  Somewhere buried between Homo Erectus and Homo Hooloovoo.  Look it up.  Douglas Adams.  Worth the read.

My point is, if you know me and feel the need to maintain some previously constructed perception of me as any particular idealized thing, this would be a good time to leave.  Or not, your call--you have been caveated.  Caveated HARD.  (YOU’RE WELCOME.)  It’s also altogether possible or likely you’ll find yourself saying, “yeah, actually this affirms a lot of the assumptions we’d made about your insane inclinations all these years.”

Contrarily, if you don’t know me, who are you?  Why are your stalking me and my pointless musings and arbitrary thoughts!??  Creep.  Also:  Creeps welcome!  Tell your creep friends, so they too can wonder why I bother!  (Tangentially, if you or they figure it out, please let me know.)

In the next chapter… Life!  That’s right, I’m finally going to figure it out.  (As before, YOU’RE WELCOME.)

Or maybe not, we’ll see.